Black Hole

A Believable Manifesto

In the interests of ensuring full and accurate election coverage, here is the manifesto of the Non-Euclidean Party.

Education

Trade skills, such as those taught in Law faculties and medical schools, will become the prerogative of the polytechnics, freeing much-needed space and resources at universities for higher education. Economics and accountancy will be taught solely within the Arts Faculties in recognition of the creative nature of the bulk of their activities.

Parliamentary Reform

Members of Parliament will be elected on the basis of opinion polling. A scientifically selected Average Voter will represent each electorate and will cast the Electorate Vote. This will save considerable time and money in enabling parties to directly address the single voter in each electorate, allowing the remainder of the population to go about their normal business without fear of party political broadcasts, baby-kissing candidates and letterboxes crowded with political bumph.

The Economy

Given the nature of modern economics, Treasury will use imaginary numbers in their calculations of the overseas deficit, gross national product, consumer price index and other economic factors. In keeping with this, the target for inflation will be set at between 0 and 2i.

The Environment

Entropy will be banned from all areas of human habitation and severe fines will be imposed on those persons or companies found to be contributing to the heat death of the universe. The only exceptions to this will be parents of pre-schoolers, provided that they have registered as such.

Welfare

We plan to bring social welfare into the high-tech 1990s. All welfare beneficiaries will be issued with a carbon-fibre-reinforced teflon-coated safety net for use in the event of emergencies. Holders of Community Service Cards will also receive a personal locator beacon linked to a console on the Minister of Social Welfare's desk. When this is activated, the Minister's functionary will immediately dispatch a kit explaining the latest amendments to benefit and health entitlements, complete with promotional video.

Superannuation

A new turbo super-surcharge will be introduced. This is similar to the existing surcharge except that it will also apply to the imaginary earnings of the superannuitant (see The Economy).

Industry

As part of our drive to lower business overheads and enhance efficiency, the value of pi will be modified, simplifying calculations in engineering, manufacturing and construction. The new value will be 3.0.

Health

Every citizen will be issued with a carrier bag containing a back massager, a dozen band-aids and year's supply of aspirins, together with instructions on when they should be taken. In this way, we will eliminate 70% of all visits to GPs, and halve the annual health budget.

Employment

All workers will be required to take a six-month sabbatical every five years. In one stroke, this will eliminate the current 9% unemployment rate, while at the same time ensuring that every worker is personally acquainted with the effects of this dreadful scourge.