Black Hole

A Club for Everyone

By S. Vawails

With the steady inroads into public consciousness being made by environmental organisations, it is perhaps inevitable that groups with opposing aims should be formed. Diligent research has uncovered the following organisations operating in New Zealand, with operational methods which are strikingly similar to those of their environmental counterparts, even though their goals are divergent. Kahawai Society: Dedicated to preserving quota-free non-sustainable exploitation of all native fish and bird species, on the grounds that members prefer eating red meat anyway. This society is notable for often issuing moderate statements along the lines that it is not essential to wipe out a given species this year as there will always be time to do that next year. Royal Fish and Budgie Protection Society: A shadow organisation set up purely to promote the aims and membership of the Kahawai Society by offering more extreme, radical and inexpedient policies. World Warming Fund: With its slogan "A Warmer World Starts at Home", this international group is dedicated to promoting global warming in the hope of improving property values in Southland, Tasmania, southern Chile, Greenland and other sub-polar regions. Policies include funding Climate Change Programmes in order to increase hot air generation and tree-felling for papers, cloud-seeding to lower the Earth's albedo and funding of sewage-to-methane projects. Friends of the Hearth: A coalition of town planners, brick merchants and firewood suppliers dedicated to the revival of the open fire. Closely allied to the WWF (see above), FotH stage regular all-night vigils outside Parliament, warming themselves in front of campfires on those occasions that Parliament Buildings are not themselves alight. Campaign for Nuclear Development: This throw-back to the 60s has enjoyed a resurgence due to the greenhouse scare and has begun a new campaign of street marches, sit-ins and days of meditation. Their main programme centres on renewed promotion of the use of nuclear technology for civilian purposes. They have revived earlier proposals such as radioactive golf balls and the atom-bomb approach to harbour development, and have developed new concepts such as using air-bursts over the Mackenzie Basin to eliminate the rabbit problem. Kauri Conservation League: A small but extremely vocal group dedicated to saving all remaining stands of kauri in New Zealand. Their preferred preservation approach is several layers of varnish. Environmental Catastrophe Organisation: ECO is the best funded of all the groups in our list. It is responsible, among other initiatives, for the Damocles labelling scheme. In order to use the authoritative and attractive sword logo, manufacturers merely have to pay $1 million, assert the existence of one of several million additives, preservatives, plasticisers, flavourings or food colourings in their product, and certify that it has not been grown or manufactured organically, or indeed on the same land-mass as any organic growing or manufacturing facility. For an extra $5 million (and provided the product is shrink-wrapped), manufacturers may use the even more significant Scud missile label, with a choice of three sub-classes -- conventional, biological or nuclear. Save the Consumer: Concern for the high levels of stress caused by continual claims of dangerous or faulty products originally spurred the formation of this group.

They point to research indicating that the more resources a person uses, the happier they are, and suggest that unemployment could be solved by mandating increased packaging on all products, which would stimulate the plastics, paper and landfill industries.

S. Vawails is a member of all the above organisations and if he's the only one, he's not saying.